when the beat drops let me pop your soul
Every time my bf talks about his life
I respect him so much more. He’s really had a hard life…
I know I complain about him and I always call him lazy, and don’t get me wrong, he is pretty lazy, butttt I can understand why. He’s been working so hard since he was 18 and he’s been living by himself since around that time too, so now I can understand why he doesn’t really know how to care about other people’s feelings. His family isn’t that close and since he’s been living by himself so long he isn’t used to having to think about what he does and how it affects other people. Every time we talk, all our misunderstandings are all cleared up. Pillow talk with him is the best<3 I love learning more and more about him. We looked through my baby pictures and talked about our childhoods, watched a movie, and talked until 5 am. He took a shower after swimming and didn’t have warm clothes so he wore my clothes. The only ones that would fit him were bright pink shirt and light pink pajama pants with pink flamingos on them. It was soooo cute.
I’ve been so mean to him lately, yelling at him at work, scolding him for buying his car instead of a bigger one, calling him fat or telling him if he gets darker I’m going to break up with him…..why does he even put up with me?
[trying to decide who would drive to Tampa and what car we would use]
Why did you buy a two seat car?
“I don’t want to give people rides…”
You’re so selfish! You should buy an SUV instead.
Amanda: Yeah! Why didn’t you buy an SUV?
“I’m sorry….Next time…”
Amanda: You should just buy Gwen her own car instead~
“Yeah I will, next time~”
[looking at Brian’s arm]
“I’m getting so dark now, look~ I’m becoming nigga~~”
Yeah, you’re getting so dark. If you get more dark, I’m going to break up with you.
“Why? You know when I was young, I’m more~~ dark than this.”
I don’t like it. It looks dirty…looks like you got dirty and didn’t shower for a month.
“I like it. You’re so mean. I’m proud of it.”
Is it something to be proud of?
“Yeah!~ Did you forget where’s my hometown? I was always active and outside. Now i look like more active.”
But you’re not active.
“Yeah, but looks like~~”
“Do not fall in love with people like me
we will take you to
museums and parks
and kiss you in every beautiful
place so that you can
never go back to them
without tasting us
like blood in your mouth”
"When I say, ‘I love you,’ it’s not because I want you or because I can’t have you. It has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try. I’ve seen your kindness and your strength. I’ve seen the best and the worst of you. And I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You’re a heck of a person."
"Loneliness is black coffee and late-night television; solitude is herb tea and soft music. Solitude, quality solitude, is an assertion of self-worth, because only in the stillness can we hear the truth of our own unique voices."
— Pearl Cleage (via dreamongood)
"You lose yourself trying to hold on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you."
"Im not sure where I want to go- or who I want to be. All I know is that in 10 years from now, I hope that I am happy."
"Sometimes I feel as if I’m racing with my own shadow. But that’s one thing I’ll never be able to outrun. Nobody can shake off their own shadow."
— After Dark (via harukimurakami)
I’m graduating on Saturday.
I’m kind of torn between being super excited and being a little bit scared about what I’m going to do after school….There’s so many opportunities, so many things I could do but I’m not sure if that’s the direction I want to head in my life. I’m already so comfortable where I’m at with my life right now, haha. I know in order to grow, you have to change, but I don’t really want that right now. Who’s to say when the best time to change is anyway? No one knows better than yourself.
Because of the month long trip I’m planning in August to visit some cuties in Korea, I don’t really want to look for a serious job right now. I’m going to wait a little while because I don’t want to start and have to either quit after a few months or take a month long vacation a few months after getting the job, you know?
The other day I mentioned at work that I wanted to lose 10 lbs for graduation and Brian overheard and got a little bit upset. “Why? For what? You don’t need to.” He gets so worried when I go on diets because they’re usually super unhealthy. And on top of that, I’m already thin and he doesn’t want me to lose too much weight. I think it’s because he’s obsessed with my ass and he doesn’t want me to lose it, haha. He’s so cute~~~ He keeps asking me what I want for my graduation present but I don’t really want anything in particular…
Oh, and I finally met my school’s current Chinese teacher. She’s so nice and funny. I wish I made an effort to meet her sooner, but oh well. She’s from the same university in China that I studied at so I thought that was pretty neat. She’s probably friends with some of my former teachers ^.^ She thought I was Chinese….wtf…..I wonder if I can send some stuff back with her for some of my friends? She’s leaving in a month…At least she enjoyed her stay here though.
People are so interested in my relationship lately.
Yeah I have changed since we started dating over a year ago. So what?
Is it a crime to change? Seriously annoying. Everyone changes little things about themselves when they care about the person they’re dating. You watch what you say so you don’t hurt the other person’s feelings or so that you don’t say something that offends them or their beliefs. Yeah I’ve changed things about myself because I don’t want to hurt the person I love. He’s also done the same thing.
In relationships there’s compromises. All the changes I’ve made have made me a better person. Is it a bad thing that I don’t go out to bars and get wasted all the time? Because I, personally, think that it’s a great thing that I changed that. It’s more healthy and I save more money. I don’t really think I’ve changed that much about myself. I’m still happy with who I am and the things that I do. Yes, sometimes I miss going out to the bars and yeah sometimes I complain that my bf is making me old and boring, but I’m just whining. If I really wanted to go to the bar, I would go. My bf doesn’t stop me. He tells me not to drink too much or to call him if I need a ride, but he doesn’t stop me. If I want to get drunk, he tells me to be careful and call him if I need him. I do what I want. I take my bf’s feelings into consideration of course, but he by no means controls what I do. He doesn’t always agree with what I want to do, or want to accompany me but he doesn’t tell me not to do them. He advises me on reasons why I shouldn’t do it, but he doesn’t force me not to do it.
People keep talking shit about my boyfriend and saying he’s controlling and emotionally abusive. If I really took offense to something he says or does, would I post it publicly on my tumblr? He was joking. I know that and he knows that. He did it to me because I do it to him literally every time I see him. We’ve broken up and gotten back together a few times. If I really wasn’t happy with him I wouldn’t be with him. He makes me happier than anyone else can. And he’s nicer and sweeter to me than anyone else. He’s nicer and better to me than my friends and family. So if you’re worried about me, there’s no need. And if you’re just being mean, there’s no basis.
I know a lot of this is my fault, because I always whine about him and things I don’t like, so it seems like he’s a bad guy. I always leave out the good things he does, or the things I like about him. The really sweet things he does, I like to keep personal, memories only shared by the two of us. I guess I’m selfish. People are like that anyways, always highlighting the bad and leaving out the good. People are like that when they’re upset. They also exaggerate a lot to make things look worse than they are. I am a hugeee exaggerator. 95% of all our relationship problems were caused by me, or outside forces. My boyfriend is awesome. The end.